What was I thinking?

Tweet

Pandora current song: She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5

In my summer blogs, I mentioned I was pursuing a job as a recruiter for Washington State University. I was trying to find something I could hold on to. Something solid. My life is ever consumed with uncertainty. I’ve been blessed with a life full experiences I’ve either forced on myself or have been lucky to be a part of. Yet, there’s still something missing. The satisfaction of accomplishing something, whether for a greater good or for those that need a push to start their own adventure, doesn’t ever seem to ever be completely fulfilled. Is it because I’m alone and don’t have someone to share it with? Maybe. Is it the fact that I am unsure of my future? Absolutely. Or what about the instability of the present? Sure. How about all of the above, plus trying to put a smile on my face so I can create and explore new opportunities for my students so they can get the most out of their college year? Shall I keep going?

I've been known to introduce students
to sushi in North Platte.

I’m back in Nebraska and stuck in a rut I can’t seem to get out of. I constantly am tired. I’ve gotten out of my running habit and I feel like a blob. I sense I need to be doing more, but can’t. I feel like I gave 120% last year and now with everything up in the air, it seems like there’s no reason to even try. The reason I came to Nebraska was to help George pursue his goals and dreams with the stipulation I’d be able to still work in Dallas part time. I knew Curtis wasn’t going to suit my personality or lifestyle. Yet, when I arrived, I was informed I’d have to work for NCTA as well. In hindsight, I know NCTA needed my help especially when it came to student interaction, but my friends, family and pursuit of happiness were put on hold.

The beauty of coming to Curtis was two-fold. ONE: I’d be the only managing member of our million dollar entity in town so I’d have to learn every angle of a business by diving in and doing it. I would learn the financial aspect of financing, loan ballooning, budgets and forecasts, allocate funds to certain projects, etc. I’d also be project managing a multimillion dollar build of a new residence hall facility. With that experience, I’d blast past those my age in business experience and would have been a once in a lifetime experience. TWO: I’d be working for a university as a Director of Student Involvement and later Director of Housing. Again, the responsibility and experience many wouldn’t have the opportunity to exploit.

However, tough business decisions guillotined the private sector Nebraska projects. We no longer will have our hands in the projects like before, so my business pursuit was flushed down the toilet. For the two years I will have lived here, I won’t leave with much more than a tainted business resume that won’t be much different than when I started. It’s so hard not to think this and stop being so dramatic. I need to refocus and remember my students who need me. They are the only piece of my life in Curtis that gives me any reason to be here.

The business pursuit to better myself in the corporate world has been, up to this point, my ultimate time consumption. I kept telling myself I’m lucky to have what I have and putting my own selfish desires on hold was honorable, but how lucky if I’m miserable without friends, family or church and how selfless when my mind is full of frustrations for sticking around? My mind is in a constant battle.

One of the students I took to the
Nebraska Leadership Conference.

Mind battle 1: I have invested time into my students to make sure they leave NCTA better people, both personally and professionally. I want them to have had the best experiences both with activities around campus, but also around the country and world. For me, I know with 100% certainty I wouldn’t have been able to do or be a part of most things I did in college if it weren’t for student organizations. I also wouldn't be as cultured or knowledgeable either. So now I’m paying it forward to students who’ve come from very sheltered lives. Most have come from farms and ranches. Most graduated with a handful of others in their class. Many will get their two years of college and return home to the farm. Most have never flown on an airplane or gone any farther than a 100 miles radius from home. It shocks me how much they don’t know or haven’t seen, but they’re content because they don’t know any better. My goal for the NCTA students is to broaden their minds and inspire them to achieve their highest goals. To change their lives for the better as they discover new paths in life. To hopefully send them off after college to contribute to the economic and civic vitality of their communities and, in turn, the world. If any student executes these, they will have gained a better, successful future. Money can’t buy that kind of character building. I love watching kids and students grow both mentally and figuratively. To me, it’s inspiring to watch them from one point in their lives to later down the road and hope I had some part in making them a better person.

Bryan Tower.
The icon of the WSU campus.

Mind battle 2: I had the opportunity to pursue the job, but I declined. I was called but I turned it down. I had the potential to gain the experience of recruitment on a greater scale for a cause I could never be more jazzed about. I am a full blooded Washington State University Cougar fan, and to be able to educate potential new students from around the country would be such an exciting experience. I could give students the opportunity to get pumped up about the same things that still pump me up. The opportunity to pursue world-class professors, students and organizations they may never had if I hadn’t pursued them as potential students. I’ve been in the Midwest and South and understand their desires and mentality better than if I hadn’t experienced my life after college. I’d also help execute alumni events across the country meeting new people and building my professional network. My professional resume would have blossomed tremendously. I would have left the drama and frustrations behind to pursue the new and exciting. To leave a job like this would be a whirlwind sacrifice. 

But I did. I chose loyalty over self. I chose Curtis over country travel. I chose to help broaden the lives of my Nebraska students who’d be put on the back burner without a doubt if I left. I chose half the salary I would have otherwise. The day after I chose loyalty, I found out my projects were gone. I was so bitter and embarrassed for making the biggest mistake of my life. I don’t regret decisions as they make you who you are, but this one I can’t shake. My business pursuit, shattered. 

What I have to focus on now are my students and giving them everything I can possibly give them. If I can do that, I will have succeeded. If I can succeed, I will be fulfilled from my time I’ve spent in Curtis.

The top of the WSU library.

“Change is constant. It’s the way people try not to change that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of form new ones. How we experience change is up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we loosen our grip and go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline.”

Live boldly challenging status quo!

Pandora current song: Here Comes Goodbye by Rascal Flatts

Tweet