Sunday, January 11, 2015

When life flashes before your eyes, will it be worth watching?

It's been awhile since we last met. I moved to San Francisco, traveled to a few new cities, my little sister got married, and I graduated with my MBA. I've met many new friends and spent precious time with old ones.

My dog, Blaze, and I are still thick as thieves hiking, backpacking, running, and swimming until we have no further energy to give.

OK, OK. Confession. I certainly get to a point of exhaustion sometimes, whereas Blaze is still ready to ascend another mountain or sprint through more trees. Rude, I tell you. No reason to show off like that in front of your owner and embarrass her! At least I have another being willing to keep up with me on a moment’s notice.

Anyway, I sit here on the beach watching the sun go down behind the Golden Gate Bridge with only a few crazy souls in the "cold" San Francisco winter wind. By no means is it Chicago weather, but we Californians are pansies. We can't deal with cold to save our lives.

It's dark and quiet, almost too quiet for this city. The water is calm and smooth; not at all fierce and threatening. I can’t hear any traffic, any voices, or really any noise pollution apart from my soft music and ocean waves.

I have finally jumped on the Spotify bandwagon after years of stubborn, brand-loyal me couldn't walk away from Pandora. This is relevant because my playlist is The Most Beautiful Songs in the World. Add calm waves and a light cool breeze, it's the makings of a reflective, thought-filled evening.

Pause. My fingers are about to fall off from the cold. It's 55°F and I've become a wuss. Too bad I don't have logs to make a beach fire. It's probably for the better as I’d get too comfortable and wake up to cops or bums telling me to get to steppin’.


Yay, I'm back and posted up on our apartment roof because frankly, I do what I want. It's San Francisco and we do weird things on the daily.

I saw a quote today that really made me question why I was being lazy and worthless. "When your life flashes before you, will it be worth watching?"

Now, I feel like I live life to the brink as much as I can, but is it meaningful? Do I do enough selfless things, or do I act on selfishness? Do I spend time with people who truly care about me, or do I waste time trying to make something of people who don't take the time to care back? Am I forcing things to work, or is it actually worth my fight? Do I surround myself with loving people, or draining ones?

Do I mean something to people? I hope it's positive, but I know I've certainly ruffled a few feathers along the way. Am I being stubborn for stubborn’s sake, or do I have a purpose to follow through with something that others may not see yet?

What legacy am I going to leave behind? I've always had these grandiose dreams of changing the world for the better, challenging one status quo after another. Have I accomplished that?

By no means do I live a worthless, less than impactful life. I'm not sitting in sorrow or pity. But it's good to take a step back and examine where you're at. Have you lost track or has life made you drift? It better give you challenges to overcome and even huge walls that make you take different paths you weren't ready for. That's life.

Someone recently told me they didn't see me as anything but an individual contributor. It really caught me off guard. However, perception is in the eye of the beholder. You can't forget about the outside perspective. You may think you're a saint, living a beautiful life, but if you lack a grasp of reality of what others think about you, you may be living a mental lie.

I wish I could tell you, don't give two shits about what others think. For the most part, you should live your life the way you want to. But, it's also good to get an outsider’s perspective as a gut check to make sure you truly are on the right track, or that your outside perception is what you truly want it to be. If not, change up your direction!

I think this year I need to stop forcing things to happen. To be OK with the unknown, which has NEVER been my strong suit. I need to stop worrying about the things I can’t control, and live. Wasting time fearing, worrying, stressing about what could be, what may happen, or what might never … what a sheer, terrible waste of life!

Take time to reflect. I certainly don’t do this enough. I reflect on surface-level things when I run or get out in nature, but I really need to take a larger step back and really appreciate what I have, the people God has put in my life, and how fortunate I am. I need to come visit you all more often because that’s where I’m able to divulge my deepest, darkest thoughts, without judgment.

I’ve forgotten how much I enjoy writing…

Boldly challenging status quo, one precious moment at a time.

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