Ideas for Lasting Relationships

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I read an article the other morning about lasting relationships, which perfectly enough, I quoted in a conversation later that day. One of my students was having a bad day, not knowing why she would just all of a sudden start crying for no apparent reason. I told her to come find me if she needed to talk. I had a sneaky suspicion, but sometimes it’s hard for people to say things out loud because it makes it real. I know that all to well from my own personal relationships. But I also know that not talking about the things on our minds, the harder it is to logically think through the madness.

She showed up in my office a few hours later. We had our initial small talk session and then I went right into what was going on. I nailed it. She was having personal problems with her boy friend, but she didn’t want to really deal with them because she cares so much for him that she kept locking the frustrations away, only to finally break down “without any apparent reason.” The ever-present, yet constantly consciously forgotten, “Love is Blind” came into full swing. Why is it that so many people try to rationalize issues that will later destroy a relationship just because they remember “the good times?” Anyway, I pulled out the listed characteristics and gave it to her straight.

When considering a “soulmate,” you better have these characteristics figured out:

1. Physical attraction/appearance
OK this may sound quite juvenile, but hear me out. Physical attraction is usually the first key to drawing two people together. You’ll be spending the rest of your life with that person, so you might as well find someone that you personally see as eye candy. If working out and staying fit is important to you, will it burn you out if your mate doesn’t share the same enthusiasm for physical fitness? Honestly for me, I love sports and the adrenaline rush of extreme sports. I’m also more confident and feel better when I’m in shape. I hope my mate enjoys the competition of fitness like I do.

2. Emotional maturity
I’d say this is my number one, but all seven are all important to me. Is your mate emotionally mature and centered, or still lugging around some trunk-sized baggage? How do they relate to friends and family? My closest friends and family are extremely important to me so I know I’ll have to find a mate that they approve. Some people don’t care or don’t feel it’s a family’s decision to who you fall in love with, and gold star to them. For me though, I can’t marry someone I know others don’t like. Just personal opinion. Is he or she emotionally supportive or have control issues? DEAR LORD! Why do men and women stay in relationships where one person gives 150% while the other only gives 50%? It doesn’t work that way. I also have an issue with people in controlling relationships. I am my own person and I will have the friends I want and spend time with who I want, whether they are men or women. Is your mate aware of his or her own issues and interested in addressing them? This is so key! We all have issues and weaknesses, but if you just want to lock them away, you’ll be emotionally detached.

3. Lifestyle choices
This includes career and social lives, common interests, leisure time activities and energy levels. Would s/he rather sit behind a TV, join the bowling league, or the metropolitan symphony? I love doing a lot of different things from fishing, going to the theatre, dancing, shopping, traveling, and my “me times” of running, blogging and coloring. I love working outside around the house and fixing things without calling professional help if I can. I also enjoy technology and having nice things. I’m also quite the clothing and shoes whore ;) so I’d expect my guy to dress well too, but not be afraid to get down and dirty if the need is presented. Does s/he have lots of energy for activities with friends or want to sit and chill at home? 

4. Financial compatibility
This is a hot topic for most couples. It includes involve levels, savings goals and views on handling money. How do each want to spend, save and invest? Is one person a spender while the other saves? Is one person financially responsible while the other plays catch-up? If these don’t mesh up but you’re OK with it, then go forward, but when it comes to finances, you better be honest with yourself and your mate. Enough said.

5. Value structure
This area is often overlooked, but the first of my boxes to check on my list because it has a tremendous impact on life. It includes big values: honesty, integrity, loyalty, views on family and children, religion and spirituality, life goals and the treatment and care for others. Does your mate follow through on promises made? Would you say this person is trustworthy? Will you always be there for each other in a pinch? I’m such a values-oriented person that I couldn’t ever overlook these aspects of a relationship. Honestly, neither should you.

6. Marriage and intimacy
Everyone does not share the same idea of marriage. The big questions to address are: What do you and your mate expect from marriage? Is he or she looking for a soul mate? Do you both want a close intimacy beyond the physical aspect, including with your friendships and in private conversations with each other? For me, I won’t have sex until I’m married, so I’ll have to find someone who respects that. I’d love to find someone who’s the same way, but I’m not against falling in love with someone who has before. But either way, once I’m married, game on! :) I’d also say I’m probably a romantic. I want to find a soul mate. A genuinely kind-hearted man, but I don’t want to be catered to. I can’t stand that. I would love for someone to take care of me and vis versa, but not one who does everything for me. Not cool.

7. Intelligence
Having similar education levels increases your chances of sharing matching school and social experiences, intellectual interests and career goals. What topics do you and your mate like to talk about? Conversation limited to sports or shopping may get quite boring to someone who likes to ponder philosophy and bluster about business or politics.

Granted, some of these may not matter to some people, but the big picture is still there. Make sure you match closely enough in the important areas of your life to up your chances of finding a love that will go the distance!

Will they boldly challenge status quo?

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