Pandora current song: Fat Bottomed Girls, by Queen
Communication. Some people are really good at expressing their feelings and others aren’t. Some people aren’t afraid to tell you wants on their mind, while others hold it in. Some people have a few ticks up their sleeve to mask their fright of communicating issues, while others overcompensate.
This is something I'm still learning too. I usually try to make everyone else happy by steering clear of confrontation. This blew up in my face two summers ago when I was working for someone I used to trust and appreciate. She could be one of the top 10 best manipulators in the world, and she knew it.
I became close to her when I lived with her and her family for the summers during college. I decided not to go home my sophomore summer of college because I didn't want to work for my dad again. I'd been working at his office since I was 10 and it's not easy working for family. I love you, Dad, but your stress levels go up and down like a volume bar on a stereo and when that happens...well that’s why I liked working outside ;) Anyway, I wanted to expand my horizons.
I didn't have any leads, but I took the risk. My sorority sister, Tifny Regan, had become a big sister to me. I spent countless hours in her room as she respected me for me and I helped her through a tough year. I'm sure she probably wanted to kick me out because I was always with her. I had lost a best friend of mine in the sorority, Danna Bostwick, because she moved away after freshman year. My Big Sis who I love dearly, Kristen Honeycutt, had moved away to finish nursing school in Spokane. I moved into the sorority sophomore year, having lived in the dorms the year before, without a solid friend in the house. I was friends/acquaintances with most everyone, but I like quality friends instead of quantity. Always have. Tifny adopted me, whether she wanted to or not. :)
Anyway, I moved to to work with her at Abercrombie & Fitch since she was going to be in training as a manager. For the first few weeks of summer, the less-than-organized store manager didn't have any hire papers so I was stuck without a job. I interviewed for a secretary position as they needed summer help. I started that day.
I was a young kid, but I was office savvy. I didn't dress professionally like I do now, but I tried. Some of the women tried to criticize me for a bunch of different things, but Sally (I'm changing the name to save face) wouldn't allow it. She took me under her wing and I did everything I could to keep her happy.
I worked 40 hours a week at that job, and I'd leave there to close at Abercrombie almost every night. I actually worked hard at A&F, unlike most of the high school employees, so they let me work whenever I wanted. I didn't know many people so I worked all the time. I ended up working 40 hours a week at A&F too. Needless to say, I worked like crazy and didn't have much of a life.
My next summer, I moved in with Sally's family because her kids loved me and she had an extra room. I spent all my time at home playing with the kids and trying to be a good role model for them. We made anything into fun and we just enjoyed ourselves. If I wasn't with the kids, I'd sit in the garage with Sally as that was her sanctuary. We confided our lives in each other, and we became great friends. We worked as a team at home. Her kids listened to me as it was different coming from me than their mother. If they got in trouble, I'd let them know how foolish it was and they hated when I was disappointed in them.
Anyway, she offered me $15 an hour not to work two jobs so I could slow down and live a life. Who would pass that up during college? That summer, there wasn't much for me to do. I was bored waiting for things to do. Our company had just started constructing a 5-acre park on the massive business park property. After a weekend of planting trees to help get back on track for the timeline, including the executive officers, I convinced them to let me work outside with the grounds staff. It was a tough sell since I was a young, decent looking girl and the outside staff were all older, typical men.
Once I got out there, I had to prove I wasn't a princess, pathetic little girl. I never stopped working. We shoveled rock, carried bags of concrete, planted over 1000 plants and trees, engineered an acre-sized lake, moved piles of dirt to build hills, hauled pipes and planks of rock, and much more. I became more fit then I've ever been in my life, but I was working 10 times harder than anyone else. I also ended up with intense knee pain, but I never faltered. The executives noticed so at the end of the summer, they bought me a car. Hard work and dedication sure made it worth it!
After that summer, I went back to work in the office or outside if there was a need. I didn't care. Yeah, working outside punched my pride, but it was a job and it paid well. Humility is one of the toughest characteristics to swallow. I think a healthy dose of humility is needed on a daily basis to keep us grounded. Plus, how can you truly serve others when you constantly think about yourself?
After college, like I've said before, I reluctantly went back. I had worked my way into one of our executive’s heart as a promising, young, extremely hard working kid. He later told me I reminded him a lot of himself, which to me is a great honor. No one in the office had ever done that and Sally became frustrated. She also came to hate the fact that her kids trusted, confided in, and respected me more than her. Hello! You’re the one that pushed it on me to begin with. I'd be pissed too, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't trying to steal them away or anything! Duh, but whatever.
I hated life that last summer. I went back to help her out since her previous assistant left. We collided from the get go, and she demoted me quickly. It was another blow to my pride as well as a sheer frustration since I came back to help her. I didn't need to come back, but I did. I bit my tongue and dealt with it.
Honestly, I stayed because of that other executive. I keep not saying his name because I’m sure this should just stay offline, but it’s life and learning in the process. Anyway, he cares for people like no one else I'd ever met. He has the greatest intentions for success in the community and that's what he works for. He doesn't care about the money he makes and actually hasn't taken a salary in years. He wants everyone else in the office to be comfortable before he is ever taken care of. When I first worked there, he was in a back office that was really an over-sized closet with old school everything. But he didn't care. If you ever want to meet someone who is full of humility, it’s him for sure.
The bad part that summer is that he was sick a lot or vacationing. That meant I was stuck with Sally. She tried to manipulate the other exect’s mind into thinking I was worthless, and at first he believed her. That was tough to swallow. She yelled, humiliated, tormented, talked down to, belittled, and every other torturing word in the dictionary me that summer. I literally cried every night after work, and sometimes even during work and Britni doesn’t cry. I try to hold it in as much as I possibly can. OK Mom, you’re my prime target when getting things off my chest, but most others don’t see me cry. I hated it. But again, I didn't say a word. I lived for the days the other exect came into work, where we worked as a force no one could destroy.
But Sally persisted. It got to a point that she kept lying and fabricating so much, that her ultimate fabrication blew me over the edge. The week before I left, she questioned me for three hours at work, but in her car. At first, I had no idea why she was asking me about her husband, but just like you reading that statement, it didn't take me long to figure out what she was trying to spin.
For those of you who don't know me, I have one of the highest moral standards of anyone I know. I don't pick on people or judge them. I didn't drink until I was 21 because of my pact with Lacey and to show people I could have fun without it. Another reason was to be a good role model to everyone around me, but especially my sister. She had a tough year when I went away to college, so I did it for her too. I hardly broke rules when I was younger, except not checking in. OK I probably mouthed back to my parents, but what kid doesn't? I never snuck out and worked my tail off for good grades. I never tried drugs. I won't have sex until I'm married. I could keep going, but I'm sure you're saying, "shut up already!"
So with that said, who in their right mind would ever consider me having an affair with someone's husband, especially my friend's husband? First of all, I just threw up in my mouth thinking of it. Secondly, I have higher standards. Thirdly, you've got to be off your rocker. Yeah, I knew him because I lived at their house. But NO way did I ever look at him that way. Apparently, she saw him look at me differently, but that wasn't my fault and I’m sure she just saw what she wanted to see..or maybe she didn’t see anything and it was all just another lie! Uhg it makes me mad and sick thinking about it.
We left work that day going our separate ways home (I had moved out of their house earlier that summer because I couldn't stand her BS both at home and work.) She seemed to be better and almost back to her original self until something triggered her psychoticness again. I have no idea what it was, but this time was worse. She called me into the other exect’s office livid. I walked in thinking, "what the heck did I do now that I don't know about?"
She told me right off the bat that I had lost my privileges to speak to her and that I needed to stay away from her family. But her arguments in front of the other exect were slanted. She was trying to make it look like I didn't respect or listen to her, and that the whole summer I treated her like dirt. OMG woman. You've got to be joking. She was yelling at me so loudly that they heard three stories down in the offices below.
Why did she do this? She knew the only way I'd leave is if I were fired. I'm stubborn. I don't let people win. I didn't care about her any more. I cared about the other. He sat across from me in tears at what he was hearing, but also what was happening to me. They said it would be best if I left, so I did without looking back...or so I hoped.
As I drove home, I called the human relations people to report the harassment. They told me there was nothing they could do. I was so pissed. I called the other exect that night telling him I was so sorry, but I told him the whole truth.
See, I was smart. I knew better than she did. I wrote down EVERY instance she harassed me that summer documenting everything. I told him all about it behind the tears and snot. Nice picture, huh? He didn't say much, except "I believe you." Those three words were the saving grace of my torment.
There was nothing he could do to get me to come back though. Sally wouldn't have it and my parents would have lynched me if I put myself back in the tiger's pit. I left town after waiting a month to see if I could get a job somewhere in communication. I met with the other exect a few times during that month just talking with him and confiding things to him. I became a part of his family more than I ever had.
I left that city forever devastated but seasoned.
The moral of the story is that I should have spoke up earlier. I should have stood up for myself instead of let someone run all over me. I didn’t communicate my harassment to anyone but my friends and family, and even then I started to hold it in from them because they got frustrated when I wouldn’t quit and come home.
Yeah, it was the toughest point in my life, but I don’t wish for anything else. I have thicker skin from it. I learned to keep professional and personal lives completely separate. I lost a friend and the ability to communicate with my pretend sister and brother. I think that kills me more than anything.
Don’t ever let anyone dictate the way you live or manipulate others against you. Sometimes, it’s better to be the bigger person and walk away. Don’t hold things in whether it’s in a relationship, something at work, or something else. Be honest with people, but be kind about it.
Another lesson though is humility. Even though she lied I wasn’t humble in her majesty's presence, I stuck my tail between my legs for everything. But even when someone else is wrong, you should always be the first to apologize. Who cares if you feel like it’s not your fault. You can never walk in their shoes or know exactly what they’re going through in life.
I don’t want you to have a pity party for me. I don’t want it. I don’t want you to hate Sally because she is human like we all are. I hope you can learn from my life experience and I pray no one else will ever have to go through something like this.
So, go live boldly challenging status quo.
Pandora current song: A Moment Like This, Kelly Clarkson
Speed of Sound, by Coldplay
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